Photo by Bas van den Eijkhof on Unsplash

Desire is the most bittersweet thing because it brings great pains and great pleasures. In matters of romance, self-image, wealth, belonging, and the sheer seeking of feeling good. Eventually, our desires can come to feel like a set of shackles, this piece is for those that feel this way.

In all attachments, there is an emotionally driven component. We often believe we want the objects of our desires themselves, the person, substance, or outcome, but really these are symbols that promise the meeting of these desires.

When we desire compulsively, these objects are like a parched traveler’s oasis in the desert; an illusive image created from inside of us, which disappears the closer we get to them. But this external realization does not cease the need. And so, a millionaire keeps seeking money, a lover keeps getting disillusioned with their partners, and the gambler does not stop, whether he is riding lucky or chasing his losses.

It comes to be then that we suffer from longing and even if we do get what we want, there is a disappointment. What is the source and the solution to this dynamic that causes suffering and hopelessness?

Emotionally driven attachment creates suffering from craving, but self-sufficiency makes desires ‘nice to haves’ rather than things that drive us compulsively. Self-sufficiency comes from within. How do we get there?

The Root Cause of Attachment and its Solution

To deeply understand the root is a powerful realization in itself that catalyzes the human will to transform.

The root is a matter of self-love in all of its forms. Regardless of the various forms that get pursued externally, the cure is of an inner emotional nature.

Love in its purest form is unconditional, thus its basis is acceptance for all that is — attachments including that of an intellectual nature, act as filters that make love conditional, partial, and thus fragmented. We do not need to feel bad about being partial, it is par for the course and is the status of almost all people. Accepting this ironically allows us to let go, to heal.

Unconditional acceptance does not translate to condoning/embracing selfishness, that is, doing nothing about it or not protecting one’s self from it. Acceptance is a compassionate seeing of selfishness, which via conditionality causes suffering to the perpetrator and victims. This is another aspect of unconditional love; it does not distort our perception of others’ desires and what it is that they really need.

We get alienated from our inherent self-love through the experiences of life. I believe we can all recall difficult experiences that we associate with aspects of ourselves that feel broken.

The root cause can be explained as a metaphor for the whole diamond, symbolizing the heart. This diamond has many facets, and they reflect the vivid light of love back out into the world and it is reflected upon from the outside too. We can give that which we have, receive it and recognize it in others too. The whole cup can pour into other cups and be poured into, without leakages arising from fragmentation.

However, growing up, the diamond is broken apart by other sharp and jagged diamonds that are fumbling to regain wholeness, an inter-generational transmission of trauma. The facts of life itself and the immense vulnerability that we face during and after birth can also hyper-charge fixations on needs like food, security, and basic trust.

The pieces that are lost drop into the dark, painful, and murky waters of the unconscious, and bathe there until they can be held back up into the light of compassionate attention. The feeling of a loss of wholeness that is often felt inside, is a product of these splits. Buried in the dark, we feel we no longer have the qualities that we’re now seeking outside of us; substances give satisfaction, others give love and worthiness, and so on.

However, because the cutting occurs in the external world via events despite being felt internally, we mistakenly try to refind these facets via objects and others. For instance, the selfish narcissist who has alienated their capacity for empathy often pairs with the unwise kind of empath that has alienated their capacity for selfishness. This all leads to dis-ease and pain because the solution is in integrating the qualities and emotional callings from within us, not in pursuing the illusive objects associated with these callings from the inner deep. Our fragments are in these depths.

Because attachments arise from painful wounds, the leaden rule applies; we do unto others as we fear to have done to ourselves. The neglected neglect, the abused abuse, the manipulated manipulate, the doubted doubt, and so on. The potential for hypocrisy makes facing our wounds even more of a sensitive issue. We have ambivalent relationships with our attachments, making our minds think divisive and confusing thoughts.

The solution is simple, it only needs to reflect the qualities of unconditional love. Wilber says this: stop and turn left at mind.

We must make way for feeling and being with our bodies which contain the murky waters where our fragments are hiding. We must be with their tension, and pains, and also acceptingly watch, without further agitating, the tornados in our minds that have arisen to distract us from the pain that is waiting to be held and accepted, so that it may finally abide. What we really feel will arise in our thoughts too if we make the space, and that also need only be accepted.

Accept that it all is, be still and gentle with yourself, these feelings, and the inner child, and let them express themselves as they need to. This process will cleanse you of tension, emptiness, and turbulence. Trust the process.

This is the fragments being lifted from the murky waters, rebinding into the diamond heart. Never lost, just refound. Now integrated, these pieces can once again shine the light of love, both projecting it from within, and receiving it from without.

There isn’t a more valuable kind of work. The more diamonds that regain wholeness in the world, the more illuminated the murky collective waters of self-loss will become, making it easier for our worldly neighbors and future generations to re-find and stay in touch with the love that we are.

With love,

Kyle