How to be Unhappy
Too many people are happy, I’m sick of this positive psychology BS making people feel good and stuff. Here’s how to be as unhappy as possible.
Do:
- Complain about everything: that’s right, your niece’s birthday cake was too chocolatey. ‘Promotion? Mo’ money mo’ problems, that’s my motto.
- Ignore your heart: Don’t be a fool, your heart is just another corporate marketing channel to hypnotize you into buying their shizzle. Follow your dreams? More like falling into the abyss — and not in a good way.
- Keep thinking shitty thoughts: there’s nothing more comforting than self-loathing; be like a pig, and bathe in your own crap forevermore.
- Never be vulnerable: tis’ but a flesh wound, so piss off. If you want to see it, you’ll have to swim a croc-infested moat, climb a greasy, prickly wall, jump from the top into the courtyard, beat the devil in a dance contest, listen to me recite some trivia about the EU and why monogamy is against our instincts, and then I might show you.
- Don’t be nice to yourself, that’s selfish: if you’re not bingeing packets of pop-tarts in the morning, hate-scrolling social media in the afternoon, and snorting coke at night, you’re doing it wrong.
- Please people and secretly resent them: those gullible idiots have no idea what I’m really thinking, they don’t have my mind-reading powers. What’s that? Oh yes, you can ‘lend’ even more of my money *laughs in masochism*.
- Always quit: Rome wasn’t built in a day, so why bother? Dreams are exactly that — dreams. Let me save you the trouble of disappointment, just follow these tips.
Don’t
Do the opposite of any of the above. Definitely. Don’t. Do. That.
There’s probably more but I don’t care to write anything else. Deal with it. However, I have written some pieces about how to be happy just to troll people that still believe in that rubbish. Here are some below, click at your own peril: